Steven Wright, b. December 6, 1955

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"I invented the cordless extension cord."

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."

"I was at this restaurant. The sign said 'Breakfast Anytime'. So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."

"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."

"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."

"Five out of four people have trouble with fractions."

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."

"I mixed this glass of water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!"

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

"When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice."

"How young can you die of old age?"

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."

"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

official site: gooddeedseats.com/steven-wright