The Acts Of The Holy Ghost ~ Scene 3

• Heaven, 30 years later. LORD HAROLD and H.G. TAYLOR are in bed watching the happenings in Judea on their HDTV.
•  
• H.G.
• It's been 30 years, Lord, and our son Jesse has grown up handsomely.
• HAROLD
• But look at him: He's lousy at his pretend dad Joseph's carpentry business, spends his time reading scripture and philosophy, wanders around mumbling to himself, gets into arguments with rabbis ... and he still lives with his fucking Earth parents! His younger brothers have already left home to make it on their own.
• H.G.
• Maybe its time for me to go down to Judea and have a good talk with him.
• HAROLD
• That's a terrific idea. Go down tomorrow morning. But this will be a shock to him. His mother has kept our role in this a secret from him. And she wouldn't be able to explain it, anyway.
• 
  [Fade to black. Light back on, in Judea. JESSE is wandering around. H.G. approaches.]
• JESSE
• Hi.
• H.G.
• Hi, son.
• JESSE
• Huh? Son?
• H.G.
• Thirty years ago I was here and visited your mother, Mary. Have you ever wondered if Joseph was your real father.
• JESSE
• What the hell are you talking about? I know Mother has always said I was "God's gift", but ...
• H.G.
• You're real father is the Lord in Heaven. "Harold" be his name. I'm his partner, H.G. Taylor. We've been together forever.
• JESSE
• Wait. You're saying my real father is gay. I have two gay dads? That's just great. But I'm not gay ...
• H.G.
• He's worried about you.
• JESSE
• Well that's a fine howdy-do. Here I am, thirty years old and don't know what to do with my life. And my real father didn't take time to help me out.
• H.G.
• Things not going well with Joseph?
• JESSE
• Carpentry's not for me. I'm still close to Mother of course, but never that close to what I [raising voice] thought before this moment was my dad. I've mostly been wandering the countryside, teaching scripture on the side. Some call me a rabbi now. I got some big ideas for changing things up, but I don't know.
• H.G.
• The Lord and I have been watching you from Heaven. You've always been as sharp as nails. But I have something to reveal to you.
• JESSE
• Anything to get me out of my doldrums.
• H.G.
• The Lord and I didn't have you just for a lark. We knew you would be special, and you would have something to offer the whole Earth.
• JESSE
• What do you want me to do?
• H.G.
• Begin a ministry to shake up this place. I'll help you out here and there. Just a few tricks, mind you. But people will listen. You'll draw huge crowds.
• JESSE
• I do have a few radical ideas I've been working out, and I'm no good at manual work. They'll crucify me out there though.
• H.G.
• Nonsense. They'll listen!
• 
  [Fade to black.]

The Acts Of The Holy Ghost ~ A Play In One Act

The Acts Of The Holy Ghost ~ Scene 2

• Judea. H.G. and GABRIEL find MARY.
•  
• GABRIEL
• What a dusty place. Who chose this again?
• H.G.
• Who else.
• [Points up.]
• GABRIEL
• So we are supposed to find a pretty but pure female to inplant the Lord's stuff. You got the cum-tainer?
• H.G.
• Yeah. And a syringe. I want you to do the insemination. I want to keep my hands clean.
• GABRIEL
• Bitch.
• [MARY appears. She is pushing away some hooting and hollering young men who want to get it on with her.]
• GABRIEL
• Scram punks!
• [H.G. stays in background. Boys run away.]
• MARY
• Thank you.
• GABRIEL
• No problem. You must be a good woman, not letting those punks have their way with you.
• MARY
• I have a boyfriend. I'm keeping myself for him.
• GABRIEL
• I respect that. Do you believe in the Lord?
• MARY
• Oh, yes. I love the Lord.
• [H.G. lurking in background gives 'thumb up'.]
• GABRIEL
• I don't know how best to explain this to you, but I am an angel of the Lord. And you have been chosen to bear his son. And you will name him "Jesse", because he is "God's gift" to you, and you will raise him as your own here on Earth.
• MARY
• Are you kidding me?
• GABRIEL
• It will happen in your sleep tonight. You won't feel a thing.
• MARY
• I don't know what to say. What will I tell Joseph? That's my boyfriend.
• GABRIEL
• Go home. Get Joseph drunk and put him to bed. Then go to sleep yourself. In the morning, tell him you two 'got together' last night. He'll have to marry you soon before you start showing or people will stone you to death. But keep it your secret and let him think it's his.
• MARY
• I am so blessed! To have God's son! I'll do as you say.
•  
• [Fade to black.]

The Acts Of The Holy Ghost ~ A Play In One Act

The Acts Of The Holy Ghost ~ Scene 1

• Heaven. LORD (HAROLD) and (H.G.) TAYLOR are in bed reading their NOOKs.
•  
• H.G.
• [Puts NOOK on lap.]
• I've been thinking, Lord.
• HAROLD
• Now what, Taylor?
• H.G.
• I know you created this universe together and all that, but I've always wanted to raise a son of our own.
• HAROLD
• We can't even raise a universe. Look at the mess it's in. We have all our angels around us to keep us company. What's the ultimate power gay couple like us going to do with our own flesh-and-blood son? I mean I love you always, Taylor, but ...
• H.G.
• But, Lord, they have been around us, like, forever. I love you always too, and I want him to be yours, I mean with your, uh, stuff. You know, "Thy kingdom come"?
• HAROLD
• Oy.
• H.G.
• And maybe raising him on Earth with his T-B-D surrogate mom is best. When he becomes a man, he could help them clean up their mess.
• HAROLD
• If I go along with this, I want him to call me 'Father'.
• H.G.
• And he will call me 'Dad'.
• HAROLD
• So what do we do?
• H.G.
• We find a suitable mother on Earth. In Judea. You sort of payed special attention to the people there, like they were your hobby or something.
• HAROLD
• Don't be cute.
• H.G.
• Tomorrow, I'll take some of your "kingdom come" down and impregnate her.
• [Opens bedside table drawer and takes out a glass beaker.]
• Ready?
• HAROLD
• Now? I have a headache.
• H.G.
• [Starts getting frisky with HAROLD.]
• I can make the headache go away.
• [LORD HAROLD and H.G. TAYLOR start going at it. Fade to black. Sounds of ejaculation. Light back on.]
• H.G.
• [Holding flask.]
• Well that's taken care of. I'll put it in the fridge and take it down in the morning. Got the syringe handy too. [Holds up syringe.]
• HAROLD
• I want Gabriel to go with you.
• [Rings GABRIEL's bell.]
• Could you come in here please?
• GABRIEL
• [appears]
• Yes, Lord?
• HAROLD
• Taylor is going in the morning on a little mission. He'll fill you in. Be an angel won't you and go with him?
• GABRIEL
• Yes, Lord.

The Acts Of The Holy Ghost ~ A Play In One Act

The Acts Of The Holy Ghost ~ A Play In One Act

Now

      The Acts Of The Holy Ghost
                           ~
          a barely biblical play

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